Wives, Love Your Husbands…Just as They Are Right Now
My husband and I recently had the opportunity to share a little of our story, particularly a life event he experienced that altered him physically, emotionally, and, most importantly, spiritually.
It was the first time we had opened this part of our hearts in a public setting. To be honest, we did little to no preparation. We simply asked the Holy Spirit to guide us, and He did.
It wasn't a formal presentation. It was simply a husband and wife sharing God's faithfulness with a large group of friends gathered together. The conversation was relaxed, honest, and deeply grace-filled. It was a true blessing.
As we spoke, I felt a nudge in my heart from the Holy Spirit with a message for wives:
Wives, love your husbands—not the "future" husband you hope he'll become, but the man sitting right in front of you.
Many faith-filled women pray fervently for their husbands. We long for them to grow in holiness. We dream of them becoming another St. Joseph, strong, faithful, prayerful, courageous, and sometimes maybe more silent, too. Those desires are beautiful, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with praying for our husbands' sanctification.
But … sometimes, without realizing it, we begin loving the version of our husband we hope for more than the husband God has entrusted to us today.
That is a subtle temptation.
The man you married is still the man God called you to love. He is still a beloved son of the Father. He is still a grace-filled work in progress, even when (especially when) you cannot see what God is doing beneath the surface.
God is never idle.
I'm pretty certain (okay, completely certain) He doesn't need our approval to accomplish His work in someone's heart.
As I look back over forty-one years of marriage, there are seasons I would rather forget altogether. But they matter. Looking back helps me to see the beautiful tapestry God has been weaving all along.
I remember praying way too often:
God, if only he would do this more...
If only he would do that less...
If only he were more sensitive.
If only he understood me better.
If only he …
Some of those prayers were answered. Others, well, maybe not exactly.
Ironically, the ones I wanted most remain a mystery.
But God never abandoned us.
He gave us the grace we needed to continue growing in love, in service, and in holiness together.
Maybe His greatest work wasn't changing my husband.
Maybe it was changing me. And He’s still hard at work!
As women, we sometimes expect our husbands to share our devotional interests. We hope they'll pray exactly as we pray, attend every retreat, participate in Bible studies, eagerly receive the Sacraments, and become our ideal spiritual companion.
Sometimes that happens.
Often it doesn't.
The truth is, men and women are beautifully different, both “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14). They think differently. They communicate differently. They process emotions differently. They express love differently.
Our differences aren’t flaws to be fixed; they are gifts to be appreciated.
When we spend too much energy trying to change our husbands into our image, or into the “ideal” husband, discouragement is right around the corner.
That’s God’s job description (stay in your lane, please).
Scripture reminds us:
"Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain who build." (Psalm 127:1)
And we should be vigilant and recognize the enemy's tactics.
Oh, how he whispers:
"If only he changed..."
"Then you could really be happy."
"Then your marriage would be holy."
Little by little, disappointment becomes criticism. Criticism becomes resentment. Resentment hardens the heart. Before long, forgiveness is a distant memory.
The evil one has used this ancient tactic since the beginning of time because it works!
Meanwhile, precious years slip away.
Instead of cherishing the man God chose from all eternity to walk beside us, to help sanctify us, and to journey toward Heaven with us, we can become preoccupied by things that, in light of eternity, don’t really matter.
Looking back now, I see countless opportunities God gave me to love my husband more generously, to appreciate him and his quirkiness more deeply, to notice his sacrifices, and simply to delight in the man he already was.
I wish I could say I recognized every one of those opportunities.
I didn't.
Often God's grace slipped right through my fingers because I was too stuck on what I wanted to change.
But God is endlessly patient and merciful.
He continues to invite.
"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)
That’s a promise of hope. Never lose hope. Hope is an endless ocean.
Moment by moment, God gently tears down the walls we’ve built around our hearts, the thick walls formed by insisting on our own will instead of His.
Like St. Paul, scales begin to fall from our eyes.
"Immediately things like scales fell from his eyes and he regained his sight." (Acts 9:18)
Sometimes it’s hardship that opens our eyes. Sometimes suffering. Sometimes it’s not getting our way. Sometimes illness. Sometimes a life-changing event.
Suddenly, the things that once consumed us lose their grip.
We begin to see our husband through the tender eyes of Christ.
We no longer see merely a man with shortcomings.
We see a beloved son of God.
Maybe we even glimpse the sweet little boy inside, the child created in God's image and likeness, deeply loved by the Father.
The imperfections that once seemed like a big deal fade like morning fog with the warmth of the sun.
Oh, if only we could bottle those moments of clarity! What treasures we would collect!
Maybe that’s the challenge.
To remember those moments. To intentionally collect them and write them on our hearts, or in a journal. To ask for the grace to keep seeing our spouse as God sees him, not as we wish him to be.
Maybe this is our prayer:
Lord, help me to see my husband the way You see him. Remove the scales from my eyes. Give me a tender heart. Help me to recognize the beloved son You created him to be. Teach me to love him faithfully, patiently, and generously. Let Your perfect love cast out my fears, my expectations, and my disappointments. Make me an instrument of Your mercy within our marriage. Amen.
Scripture tells us,
"Above all, put on love, that is, the bond of perfection." (Colossians 3:14)
And again,
"Love is patient, love is kind... it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4, 7–8)
These verses aren’t simply beautiful poetry. They are a daily invitation, to you and to me.
And, don't be confused or disheartened by St. Paul's words:
"Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord..." (Ephesians 5:22–24)
These verses can only be understood in light of what immediately follows:
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church and handed Himself over for her." (Ephesians 5:25)
Christ's headship is never domination. It is sacrificial love. It is humble service. It is laying down one's life.
Marriage is not about one spouse becoming more like the other.
It’s about both becoming more like Christ, and doing it together.
Maybe the challenge is simpler than we have imagined, and, maybe, also harder than we have imagined.
Love the husband God has given you today.
Pray for him. Encourage him. Respect him. Forgive him. Entrust him to God.
Allow the Holy Spirit to do what only the Holy Spirit can do.
When a husband is deeply loved, he usually begins to see himself through those loving eyes. Your eyes.
And when both husband and wife learn to love one another as Christ loves them, they become, little by little, living reflections of the eternal Bridegroom and His Bride.
Little practices for Wives who love:
Pray before you correct. Ask the Holy Spirit whether your words are meant to build up or simply express frustration. (James 1:19–20)
Notice what is good. Thank your husband for the little things. Gratitude softens hearts, his and yours.
Pray for him more than you talk about him. Bring your concerns first to the Lord before bringing them to your husband.
Assume God's grace is already at work. Even when you cannot see it, trust that the Lord loves your husband even more than you do. (Philippians 1:6)
See the beloved son before you see the flawed husband. Let compassion lead your conversations.
Choose unity over winning. Not every disagreement needs a victor, but every marriage needs peacemakers. (Romans 12:18)
Remember your own need for grace. The same mercy you long to receive is the mercy your husband longs for as well.
Never stop hoping. God's timing is rarely our timing, but His faithfulness never fails. (Lamentations 3:22–23)
Love the man before you. Trust the God who is within him.
The Lord knows exactly how to finish the work He has begun. Amen? AMEN!
